For months, I've been preaching about how God never promises a life without pain, suffering, trials. But that we are called to trust him and glorify him through all things. This has been one of several threads running throughout the sermons for quite a while. OK...hold that thought!
Our past affects us. It shouldn't control us, but it does affect us. A woman who has been through severe abuse (I'm thinking of a particular friend right this moment) may be years past it. But a man raising his voice in anger may cause her to crumple into a lump of shaking and tears. I was a spectator, watching it happen. My heart breaking for her. And angry with the man.
Years ago, I pastored a church that was full of anger, bitterness, division and gossip. It took all I had to hold on and not walk away. Minus Jesus' call and strength, I would have left the ministry during that time. I took so many arrows I was holy for an entirely different reason!
I learned a lot and have tried hard to major on unity, love and caring for one another- Eph 4, 1 Cor. 12, etc. We've had a number of years of encouraging, uplifting, unified and loving fellowship. Yet no amount of positive peer pressure and signed church membership covenants and teaching can restrain the flesh when God is not in control.
OK, back to that original thought. You did hold it, right? OK, here goes. Personalities have come into conflict. There's drama and accusations and gossip. Most of it isn't even me, but I'm taking hits and having to confront on issues. None of this is good. None of it glorifies God. And I know that people who leave might badmouth me and the two churches I pastor to others. And that SHOULDN'T bother me. Really. No, I mean it.
Because I have to look in the mirror and make sure I've done what I can to get along with, apologize as necessary, seek peace and look for reconciliation. Having done that, let people talk. I do have to stand before God for every person placed under my care. THAT should be my fear. Nothing else.
But I'm finding that I cringe as I open emails. I want to duck as I go into Facebook. Why should this be? Because...I have Religion-based PTSD. I've been here before. It's ugly and ridiculous and dumb. But I don't get to control anything other than my actions and reactions. And I'm fighting hard not to use food as an escape. (Laugh all you want- it's my drug of choice!). Or to bury myself in movies or computer games. Or to ignore and not be present with my family (this one is tough- my mind is continually preoccupied). Or to justify myself by deciding that others are bad. They aren't. They're just flawed, broken people. Like me!
So my focus is continually being drawn back to Jesus. To the Author, the Finisher of my faith. What I was preaching I'm now living. And I've discovered that my theology hasn't changed. The only thing different is that now I'm understanding it from the other side- as a man feeling the heat of the trial. I can't control the circumstances. But I will submit my responses to Jesus, then trust as He leads. And that, my friend, is more than enough. Bread for today, bro...bread for today.
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